The Woodlice By G.P. Nedloh

 

The Woodlice
By G.P. Nedloh
2025 Self-published
Paperback, 131 pages

 

 

                When I was a kid, I called them Pill Bugs (I still do). I’d also heard Roly-Polies and Sow Bugs. The author of this book introduced me to Chuggy-Pigs. There are over two hundred nicknames for this innocuous isopod, but a woodlouse by any other name is still a woodlouse. Author Graham P. Nedloh is a massive fan of Guy N. Smith and even thanks GNS for the inspiration in the book. Every word in this novella is a tribute to Smith and I found it to be a blast!

 

                The discovery of a deceased cow covered with woodlice gets Jack Fuller, a gamekeeper in the wonderfully named town of Bramblehurst, and the vacationing Dr. Sarah Brapples (another great name!) on the case. The woodlice, normally herbivores, seem to be eating the flesh of the carcass and are bigger than normal. When a couple of teens are found dead in the same manner, it is clear that there is a real problem in Bramblehurst. And possibly beyond.

 

                Genetech was developing a hormone to enhance plant resilience, but it seems that it affected other species as well. Like woodlice. So, we have the culprit but just how do you stop something like this? That is Jack and Sarah’s problem to solve. Meanwhile, characters are introduced and eaten, just how GNS would have done. Really, Nedloh checks all of the boxes, and I couldn’t be happier. Inappropriate sex scene? Check! Potential romance between two people who didn’t hit it off at first? Check! Best of all, mutated nature getting the taste of human flesh in all of its gory glory? Check, check, check! This is a valentine to fans of Smith’s work. You and me.

 

                Nedloh isn’t just aping the Great Scribbler, however. There are plenty of new ideas, my favorite of which is a woodlouse attack on a couple who had just started to peak on an acid trip. A ten-year-old torturing a bird gets a lovely and well-deserved comeuppance that had be jumping for joy. This being his first book, I would say that Nedloh is off to an auspicious start. Hopefully, he will keep at it and bless us with another tome inspired by my favorite author. And I enjoy the word “chitinous”.

 

                No art credit for the cover. It doesn’t LOOK like A.I. and I hope it’s not because I will not support any book with an A.I. cover.

Talia By Daniel J. Volpe

Talia
By Daniel J. Volpe
2021 Self-published
Paperback, 211 pages

 

Blood makes the best lube!

                Evidently, Talia is a prequel to Volpe’s 2020 book Billy Silver, but I didn’t know that going in and it certainly made no difference to me, the reader. If you haven’t read that one yet, you’re still good to go.

                Talia is a midwestern gal transplanted in New York searching for fame in the bright lights of the big city. Well, she finds fame (of a sort) after being taken under the wing of Mike (never a name one should trust!), an underground specialty pornographer. She performs her jaw-dropping sleaze on camera for Mike and his psycho henchman Sally with no complaints until it gets bloody. Y’see, Mike has started to make snuff-porn. And if you don’t like it, Sally’s razor has something to say.

                Volpe lays the sleaze on thick and the fluids and depravity flood from the pages. The porn is gratuitous as fuck but we’re not reading Bambi here, kids… this is Splatterpunk Supreme. I mean, the first line in the book is “The strap-on dildo was nearly the size of a fire extinguisher”. Not just blood is splattering here, either. Once it does, however, the story became a lot more interesting for me. In my horror eyes, blood > cum.

                Admittedly, with little backstory on Talia (maybe there is some in the previous book), she sure seemed to get into the swing of things in the heavy-porn scene for such an innocent farm-girl. But she is badass and after a run-in with Sally, she gets even more violent. The book takes a supernatural turn that leaves the pages dripping with gore and satisfying revenge.

                Talia is filled with various bodily fluids, rape, murder, torture, gore, and nihilism… just exactly what you want when reading an extreme horror book. This one can be torn through in a sitting or two. Volpe is a heck of a nice guy in person but has one fucked up and twisted imagination. Soon to be a certified National Treasure.

                This edition has a nice, eye-catching cover by Mr. Michael Squid.

Croc Attack By Brian Gatto

Croc Attack
By Brian Gatto
2022 Raven Tale Publishing
Paperback, 188 pages

 

                When I see there’s a book called Croc Attack, you bet your sweet ass I want to read it. The author mentioned it on the Books of Horror Facebook page, putting it on my radar, and since it is reasonably priced, I grabbed a copy.

 

                A group of twenty-something conservationists head into the Everglades to tag some animals, take some samples and, in general, do science stuff. This rubs some of the locals the wrong way (damn tree-huggers) but even worse is the thirty-seven-foot Crocodile that has started to make itself known. The book does exactly what it promises; there are loads of Croc attacks as well as inappropriate sex. Gatto is obviously a fan of 80s pulp horror and knows what is required for a book of this type.

 

                The characters don’t really matter; it’s a case of set ‘em up and knock ‘em down, which I am a fan of. To an almost comical point, all of the women are stone cold gorgeous, but if I can suspend disbelief for a 37-foot Croc, I have no trouble doing the same for every woman in the book who is a perfect 10 with a huge rack. No wonder everybody is so horny! People hook up left and right and some think about sex even as they are about to be chomped.

 

                The main storyline is similar to Numunwari (aka Killer Croc) by Grahame Webb and the film Dark Age (1987), which is loosely based on Webb’s book. Coincidentally, there is even a common surname of Darwin in both books. Croc Attack isn’t as gory as I wanted for the first two thirds of the book, with the Croc relying more on stealth, but towards the end, the kills get juicier.

 

                Like almost all self-published works, another pass at editing could have helped. There are a few sentences I would have reworked, and some word changes I would have done. (Yes, the mouth is cavernous, and the hide is scale-laden, but both terms were used too often.) Also, ecosystem, not echo system. These quibbles don’t put me off, they just bug the editor in me.

 

                I admit that I got a bit confused near the end when the action is told from a few different perspectives. Still, I will keep an eye out for this young writer. He has a good sense of humor on display and seems to have his teeth in the right place.

The Roo By Alan Baxter

 

The Roo
By Alan Baxter
2020 Self-published
Paperback, 123 pages

 

                Remember that story and photo floating around the interwebz about the jacked-up Red Kangaroo that was terrorizing Australia? Well, that is where this book started. As explained in the foreword, a Twitter conversation about that animal got to “(it’s) like something Zebra Books would have published back in the day”, and it took off from there. Kaelan Patrick Burke did a mock-up cover and Baxter, being Australian, was coaxed into writing it. And there it is! The cover of the actual book is a cleaned-up version of Burke’s original idea, complete with a Zebra tag along the edge.

 

                The book does exactly what you would want it to. A small town on the edge of the Outback is missing a few citizens. And then more. The story doesn’t take long to cut to the chase; it is a massive, 7-foot muscle-bound Red Kangaroo laying waste to the townsfolk. Many of the victims are total dirtbags who deserve their fate, so their gory demises are satisfying. Really, what can you say? You want gory death-by-Roo and you get it. Set ‘em up and knock ‘em down.

 

                The book isn’t completely satisfying, though. It does come off as a bit empty, largely due to it being a quickly written story to satisfy the above-mentioned Twitter exchange. A brisk pace, however, is maintained through it’s very short running time and the red flows heavily. And that is what we want. Some of the more detestable characters serve a bigger purpose than just being Roo fodder, too. An undercurrent of male toxicity runs throughout, making some character’s come-uppance a savory delight. On a serious note, Baxter added an afterword, which is just a paragraph about the need to recognize and attempt to eradicate domestic violence. Bravo!

 

                A handy 3-page glossary is included at the end to help out those of us not familiar with Aussie slang. Keep your finger on those pages while reading. You’ll need it! Strewth!

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