Bowie Sucks By Karmellah Howlett

 

Bowie Sucks
By Karmellah Howlett
2022 Amazon KDP
Paperback, 149 pages

 
                                              

    I’ll admit that I have never read an R.L. Stine, Caroline Cooney or Christopher Pike “young adult horror” book. That stuff came about when I was in my 20s and 30s and I had no interest in them at the time. That said, I went into this new book while in my early 60s and had a lot of fun with it. But wait a minute… I (mostly) love David Bowie! What the…

    Well, Bowie Gleason’s folks love David Bowie more than most, in fact they named their daughter Bowie. Unfortunately for her, she was vampirized which adds quite a lot to her teen angst. Now, she not only has boy problems and high school, but she has to keep secrets from her friends and father. And then there’s the bloodlust thing. All that and the vampire who turned her keeps interfering in her (un)life and following her, trying to guide her. What will her close friends think of her when they discover her situation?

    Told in first person, you can really hear a flustered but funny teenage girl telling the story. Bowie accepts her dilemma and still carries on with her school and life, fake eating while craving blood, falling for a boy that she will outlive by hundreds of years. Poor Bowie does not have it easy! She addresses the reader in a fun “if anyone actually reads this” kind of way. The evil phantom of most self-published books, punctuation miscues, actually work in the favor of Bowie’s squirrely teenage narration.

    If you’re thinking “Buffy”, well you might be right. The characters even refer to it in an amusing manner a few times. The relationship between Bowie and her father is refreshingly close and loving, too, especially as she realizes that she will watch him grow old and die while she remains 16.

    This is listed as #1 in Howlett’s Crypteen series (which is a great name) but as of this writing (January 2025) another entry hasn’t materialized. I’m inclined to keep an eye out for future Crypteens! Bowie Sucks sports a clever cover courtesy of Ashley Greathouse.

Carnivore By Leigh Clark

Carnivore

By Leigh Clark
1997 Leisure/ BMI
Paperback, 311 pages

    A group in a secluded outpost in the Antarctic discovers a large egg deep in the glacial ice. Could it be a dinosaur egg? An EPA agent and a geologist are brought in for the excavation and sure enough, that is exactly what it is.

    The book cuts right to the chase and so will I… there is radiation at this outpost because the Russian leader is, in fact, looking for safe places to dump nuclear waste. The egg hatches and it is a foot tall Tyrannosaurus. The evil Ruskies expose him to more radiation and he grows quickly and before page 70 is eating the humans of Project Deepcore. He’s just a growing young T Rex looking for meat!

    By page 100, I’ll admit, I actually got a little restless. I was one third through the book and all it had so far was an endless supply of humans getting noshed on by a hungry dino. Not that that is a bad thing, but were they going to take him to a circus in the USA? To Madison Square Garden to break loose and devour New York. No, it seemed he was going to stay in this frozen wasteland eating the cast of characters. I feared it might get dull before the end.

    Well, it soon picked up as the main bad guy, Tarosh, becomes even more zealous and starts killing those who defy his orders. Our heroes, the geologist Troy and the EPA agent Kelly, who may or may not be becoming romantic, make plans to get away but between the dinosaur and the Russian madman, things look bleak.

    Yes, this is silly and gratuitous but sometimes that’s all I need in a book. There is a lot of human meat stuck between dinosaur-teeth (not fangs, as Clark occasionally says… T Rexes did not have fangs) and human blood reddening the snow. Also, the temps are so low that piss freezes before it hits the ground but the (warm-blooded) dinosaur seems to get along just fine. Hey, I don’t care. The gore is ladled-on thick, and the suspense gets pretty intense.

    Leigh Clark wrote a few other horror novels and this one was enjoyable enough to warrant looking into his (her?) other work. A word of warning… I read this book during a cold week in January and the freezing landscape in the book made me feel even colder. It might be a better cooling summer read for you.

From Below By William Essex

From Below
By William Essex
1989 Leisure Books
Paperback, 359 pages

    Every once in a while, it happens. You fall upon a book that seems as if it was written for you. While there is no “perfect book” (other than Eat Them Alive!), when you find one that is this close, it makes life worth living. For a while, anyway.

    An electrical storm hits a power station, sending shit-tons of volts into the ground, flash-frying most living things but super-charging the local leeches. (Shades of Jeff Lieberman’s Squirm- 1976.) They reproduce overnight and the ever-expanding wave of 18-inch (3 feet in some descriptions) long, meat-eating, blood-drinking killers grows by day. They strip bodies, both animal and human, down to messy skeletons in a matter of minutes. Driven by hunger, they spend their days in the sewers and travel up toilets and pipes to seek more food.

    Our hero is Ben, journalist in Iowa (!) who is trying, along with the cops, to figure out why there are so many clothed skeletons turning up. Most everyone around him is an idiot or a narrow-minded fool, leaving him to his own devices to crack the case. His girlfriend Norma is a newsletter publisher. At one point she gets to interview horror author John Tigges. Ben and Norma have this exchange about this Tigges guy’s talent…

Ben: “Better than King or Straub?”
Norma: “I’ve read two of Tigges’ and I’d have to say he’s probably the best.”

    William Essex, the author here, is John Tigges. Reference is also made to Tigges-as-Essex’s earlier novel The Pack in a news story as well. I got a good chuckle.

    So, yes, this book delivers everything you need. Huge print, lots of empty pages between chapters and a brisk, humorous writing style make this 359-page wonder whiz by. Of course, we’re here for the gore and we get that in spades! Leeches attack everything with gusto and seem to prefer human genitalia. The science isn’t important here. Essex gives us basic leech science but then tips it on its end because these guys are super-charged and flesh-devouring.

    My only quibble would be that some repetition creeps in. Ben seems to be the only one who considers that the killer might not be a who but a what… and he keeps bouncing that theory around every chapter as if it just came to him. But I can forgive that. This book kicks ass. When I’m on my deathbed, this will be one of the few tomes on my bedside bookshelf, right next to Eat Them Alive!, Slugs, Night of the Crabs, and The Rats.

The Scurrying By Wes Whitehouse

The Scurrying
By Wes Whitehouse
1983 Futura
Paperback, 350 pages

                I’d been after this one for quite a while so when I saw a. cheap one for sale online somewhere, I grabbed it immediately. London gets laid to waste by millions of rats (again). What could possibly go wrong?

 

                Inside the book, there is a blurb saying that this is Whitehouse’s first novel. Searching on the Interwebz brought up only one other book, GLC - The Inside Story (2000). That is a non-fiction account of one of the government administrative bodies in London, and it sounds dry as hell. Sadly, this book has more bureaucrats and politicians than it has rats at any given time. Coming just a year before James Herbert finished off his excellent Rats Trilogy in 1984, this was a pretty ballsy and stupid idea.

 

                There has been an uptick in rat sightings and exterminators are noticing the rat-bait going either unnoticed or eaten. That means either the rats know it is poisoned or they have become immune. So, naturally, they head aboveground in search of eats. When they’re hungry enough, humans will be on the menu. They will also spread disease.

 

                While that sounds all well and good, 80% of the book concerns one department hindering the progress of another department that is trying to solve the dilemma. Politicians are more concerned with looking bad than stepping up to actually help. That all may be very realistic but that is not what one buys a nature-strikes-back book for. We want rats killing people. You get some of that, but not nearly enough. For instance, you get four pages of a minster readying an office for a proper photo-op and two paragraphs for a group of teens getting offed by the rats on a camping trip. The best scene in the book comes from a rabid dog (infected by a rat) who mangles a toddler. (I’ll admit it; that scene is worth the price of admission.)

 

                For a book that had been on my want list for so long, I found this one to be a massive disappointment. Not only is it misogynistic (I know, many books from the time were, but this really feels like Whitehouse truly thinks that women are merely ornamental) with two lovely women being in love with our hero, the pipe-smoking chief of Environmental Health, but the author seems to really dislike rats and shows a little too much joy in doing them in. If the dying humans got as much ink as the dying rats, my review would be more positive.

 

                The nifty cover is signed “Gulbis”. Could this be Stephen Gulbis, children’s book artist? I think it might be. But still, James Herbert this ain’t.

Carrion By Gary Brandner

Carrion
By Gary Brandner
1987 Arrow Books
Paperback, 265 pages

 

                This is one of the best books I’ve read in a while, even though at the halfway point I’d started thinking that same thought and realized that no actual horror had actually happened yet. Such is the power of Gary “The Howling” Brandner’s writing. He sets up a handful of interesting (if not completely likable) characters and lets them unfold the plot to the reader.

 

                McAllister “Mac” Fain is a dime store mystic. He is quick with the sleight of hand, and he reads tarot cards, telling gullible old ladies what they want to hear. His girlfriend Jillian, the only character with any real common sense, wishes he’d do something more honest with his life. He gets the chance when he is contacted by billionaire Kruger who, after seeing an ad in a tabloid, asks if Mac can revive his dead wife. Of course! Mac asks a voodoo guy nearby (hey, it’s LA!) for some pointers to make his delivery look believable but finds out that he actually has a gift. Kruger’s wife lives again, freed from her cryogenic tomb.

 

                Of course, this interests the tabloids and Fain becomes somewhat famous. Doing a speaking gig, he gets the chance again, raising a kid who’d just been electrocuted. This got him more press. And more press goes to his head. But what of the resurrected people? Are they really OK? According to the aforementioned voodoo guy, they will be restless until they kill the person responsible for their return, one McAllister Fain.

 

                This book is a study on how not to handle fame as much as anything. Fain wasn’t super-likeable in the early chapters but after he becomes famous, he becomes a total douche. Still, there’s something about him that you root for. Once the chills start and the dead are on the loose, his fear and paranoia are wonderful to witness. Brandner actually gave me a couple of spine chills and that’s no easy feat! I plowed through this one very quickly. Read it. It’s a good ‘un.

 

                Carrion was first published by Fawcett in 1986 in the US, but I suggest you save your pennies and grab the Arrow version that came out in the UK the following year. That green-faced and bloody ghoul bursting through a window is a far more potent and satisfying image!

Creatures By Richard Masson

 

Creatures
By Richard Masson
1979 Pocket Books
Paperback, 299 pages

 

                This is another one I remembered fondly from my teens and wanted to revisit, but I couldn’t find it among my books. Very few survived the decades. Much to my chagrin, prices are pretty high for this one now. I found an almost affordable one and grabbed it, so intent was I on rereading it. I remember it as being very good, if a bit disturbing with animal cruelty and racism.

 

                Four horrible men, crocodile hunters, are deep in the pit of the Fly River swamps in New Guinea. Karns is a killer, a racist and a short-tempered asshole… and he’s the good guy in the group. The others are even worse; Quilter, an Aussie croc-hater that would just as soon kill everything in sight, Van Ocken, a deranged, murderous rapist with a burned off face, and “Phobosuchus” Smith, an ousted professor whose insanity has him believing there is a species of prehistoric crocodile out in those swamps.

 

                Meanwhile, a flight from Australia to Tokyo, carrying about 130 passengers and crew, has a bit of difficulty. In addition to faulty mechanics taking them off course, some of those passengers are a real piece of work. One of them blows a hole in the back end of the plane when he is spurned by a stewardess. The plane lands about 15 miles from the four murderous crazies. Among the few survivors are a pair of mercenaries, a man who lost his family in the crash, a prostitute (yay!), some stewardesses and the co-pilot. Will the crocodiles get them? Will the swamp men? Both?

 

                Masson weaves this tale perfectly, going from the flight to the psycho-quartet, showing exactly how each “side” deals with the disaster. The plane doesn’t crash land until 100 pages in, and the suspense is thick as swamp muck. Once it does and the swamp men decide to go pillage the wreck (about 15 miles away through uncharted swampland), Masson lays on another new round of tension. Then once they all meet up… forget about it! Madness ensues.

 

                I really can’t stress enough how intense this book gets. Who will live? Who will die? Who will wish they had died in the crash? Who is worse, the swampies or the survivors? Yes, those guys do some horrible things to crocs but there is some comeuppance and the abundance of hungry crocodiles is a wonderful thing to think about.

 

                All this and more, behind a killer cover painting by Roger Kastel (a painting I’m lucky enough to have seen in person!) done in the style of his Jaws masterpiece. This book is highly recommended.

A masterpiece... in the flesh! 

Cannibals By Guy N. Smith

Cannibals
By Guy N. Smith
1996 Sheridan
Paperback, 208 pages

Artwork by Les Edwards

    This is top-shelf GNS all the way. Filled with detestable people that have horrible, gory things happen to them. You really can’t ask for more.

    nvercurie is a tiny village buried in the Scottish Highlands. The people there like… no, demand their privacy and plan on keeping outsiders out. Doug Geddis decides to build a few chalets on his property, much to the consternation of his fellow villagers. You see, Invercurie has a secret living up in the mountains, and they’d like to keep it hidden. But, of course, tourists do start to show up to Geddis’s chalets and despite warnings from the short-tempered locals, the outsiders hike up into the mountains. And that’s where the cannibals live.

    A man and his 19-year-old arm candy, a dysfunctional family of four (and their doomed dog), and a young couple making their first getaway: these are the folks who rented the chintzy chalets and might live to regret it. The mutated cannibal folks visit in the night and yum, that human meat is the tastiest of all. Smith doesn’t shy away from anything in the telling of this tale. The gore is nauseating (i.e. wonderful), and you can almost really smell the caves that the cannibals dwell in.

GNS does his usual expert job on setting the stage. The village is a very real place and the mountains around it are very easy to put yourself right into. The sketchy chalets couldn’t keep out a raccoon, much less a pack of hungry cannibals. Despite the spacious outdoor setting, a real sense of claustrophobia is achieved. Those cannibals are stealthy. I wonder how many readers would agree with me that GNS purposely set up this narrative with a Psycho-like structure.

Cannibals was first published in 1986 by Arrow Books with a somewhat dull cover of what looks like a dog’s snout. When they reissued it in 1988, they wisely changed it over to a great Les Edwards painting, one that respectfully depicts the cannibals as described in Smith’s prose. That cover was retained for Sheridan’s third printing, I’m happy to say. Smith plus Edwards equals perfection. This one comes highly recommended.

The less effective cover for Arrow's first edition.