Junkyard By Barry Porter

Junkyard
By Barry Porter
1989 Zebra Books
Paperback, 284 pages

    At first, I didn’t think I was going to like this book. The main characters are four teenage boys (not my favorite creatures), and the author was giving them very detailed back stories. I was saying to myself, “get to the horror part!” Then, a side-character got a full backstory and after rolling my eyes, my distress turned to joy. Everything was shaping up nicely after all.

    Four pre-teens built a huge clubhouse/ hideout in the local junkyard. Now, four years on, as their lives and interests are changing, the Pit, as they call it, is pretty much only used by Larry and Mark to watch porn and drink beer. Now one of them, Nick, has asked to use it on Friday night for his date. He wants to lose his virginity to Pauline. The fourth Pit member, Ray, has a long-time crush on Pauline and hates that plan. Larry wants to make a peephole in the Pit to watch live porn.

    Meanwhile, the junkyard owner knows there is something big and hungry on his property; he lost three Dobermans to something savage in there. Larry has an encounter one night, as well. Will the gang believe him? Deputy Gavel would. He’s been leaving the remains of his pedo-sexual murders for the beasts to eat for a while now! All of the characters plan to be in the yard on Friday night. Larry and Mark want to spy on Nick and Pauline, Ray wants to find and slay the monsters to prove his manhood, the owner wants to get revenge for his doggie “children” and the cop needs to get rid of remains that he was unable to earlier. Friday night is going to be a hoot!

    Part Stand by Me, part Food of the Gods and part American Psycho, this book strikes a lot of chords and with patience it really pays off. The clashing friendships of the boys as they wrestle with adolescence adds the emotional layer needed to pull the story off and the slow reveal of the flesh-eating beasties works very well. The pedophile, murderous cop could have been a gratuitous cartoon character, but he isn’t, much to the author’s credit. The Pit, a huge, cavernous construct made of cement, stacked tires and a Buick, is a character in and of itself.

    I thought this book was pretty well-written; I don’t understand the brickbats that some reviewers throw at Porter online. It was a little plodding in the first third but after finishing the book, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. The great cover (Perkins? Barkin?) has nothing to do with the beasties in the book but is also a huge selling point.

Saurian By William Schoell

Saurian
By William Schoell
1988 Leisure Books
Paperback, 368 pages

 

                Suspension of disbelief is of the utmost importance while reading this book. It gets pretty goofy but if you play along, you can have some fun with this dinosaur stomping tale of aliens and alcoholism.

 

                In 1957, lil’ Tommy Bartlett is a loner of a kid, content to read comics and monster magazines alone (sounds like me). His folks are useless; his father a drunk and his mom a woman who has given up. Bribed by his mother to play with the local kids, he acquiesces and through them, finds a hidden lake in the woods with a creepy house on the other end. He rows over to the house on his own (the others are chicken) and gets a scare from a weird man in the house. That night, a massive dinosaur levels the Florida shanty town Tommy lived in, leaving the boy the only survivor.

 

                Onward to 1988, and Tom co-owns a bar (odd since his father’s drink is what destroyed his childhood) on the Florida coast. He is drawn back to his childhood area and finds it all built up into an expensive property. He bravely goes back to the hidden pond and found that area developed, too. He’d forgotten the tragedy that befell him back in the Fifties but piece by piece it comes back. The weird man, the massive dinosaur… how does it all fit?

 

                OK, I’m not going to say too much. The dinosaur scenes are tons of fun. The beast is massive, it swallows Blue Whales whole for a snack. It levels cities, hurls boats and licks human remains off the bottom of its feet like you’d suck honey off your finger. Impossibly huge, savage and yet with a human intelligence. So how does this tie in with the weird old man in the house? Don’t worry… kooky exposition lady Mistress Dunn will tell all. Now, even with a completely open mind, I found this to be really dumb, but I carried on and let Schoell tell his story. It’s a lot to swallow but it’s a fun ride.

 

                A few notes: considering his father was consumed by alcohol, Tom drinks a fuck of a lot, even though he says he has no problem. Maybe that’s the author’s point, that addiction sneaks up on you. Tom’s girlfriend in the latter chapters is an alcoholic as well. Lots of drink talk. There is also a lot of padding, as is the case with a lot of Leisure’s horror novels. Some of the well-rounded characters have nothing to do with the narrative, they just add color. That’s fine but a tighter book might have been a little more satisfying. Still, this is a fun, if silly, creature feature. It is well written and easy to blow through.

The Woodlice By G.P. Nedloh

 

The Woodlice
By G.P. Nedloh
2025 Self-published
Paperback, 131 pages

 

 

                When I was a kid, I called them Pill Bugs (I still do). I’d also heard Roly-Polies and Sow Bugs. The author of this book introduced me to Chuggy-Pigs. There are over two hundred nicknames for this innocuous isopod, but a woodlouse by any other name is still a woodlouse. Author Graham P. Nedloh is a massive fan of Guy N. Smith and even thanks GNS for the inspiration in the book. Every word in this novella is a tribute to Smith and I found it to be a blast!

 

                The discovery of a deceased cow covered with woodlice gets Jack Fuller, a gamekeeper in the wonderfully named town of Bramblehurst, and the vacationing Dr. Sarah Brapples (another great name!) on the case. The woodlice, normally herbivores, seem to be eating the flesh of the carcass and are bigger than normal. When a couple of teens are found dead in the same manner, it is clear that there is a real problem in Bramblehurst. And possibly beyond.

 

                Genetech was developing a hormone to enhance plant resilience, but it seems that it affected other species as well. Like woodlice. So, we have the culprit but just how do you stop something like this? That is Jack and Sarah’s problem to solve. Meanwhile, characters are introduced and eaten, just how GNS would have done. Really, Nedloh checks all of the boxes, and I couldn’t be happier. Inappropriate sex scene? Check! Potential romance between two people who didn’t hit it off at first? Check! Best of all, mutated nature getting the taste of human flesh in all of its gory glory? Check, check, check! This is a valentine to fans of Smith’s work. You and me.

 

                Nedloh isn’t just aping the Great Scribbler, however. There are plenty of new ideas, my favorite of which is a woodlouse attack on a couple who had just started to peak on an acid trip. A ten-year-old torturing a bird gets a lovely and well-deserved comeuppance that had be jumping for joy. This being his first book, I would say that Nedloh is off to an auspicious start. Hopefully, he will keep at it and bless us with another tome inspired by my favorite author. And I enjoy the word “chitinous”.

 

                No art credit for the cover. It doesn’t LOOK like A.I. and I hope it’s not because I will not support any book with an A.I. cover.