Sock it to Me, Zombie By F.W. Paul

Sock it to Me, Zombie
By F.W. Paul

1968 Lancer Books

Paperback, 189 pages

 

                Brett Steel is the Man from S.T.U.D., a hard lovin’ super-agent whose missions frequently lead to sexual escapades. This tale takes him to a remote island (eventually) where a movie is being filmed and one Mama Mia is making zombies and voodoo dolls.

 

                This is the first in a series of Man from S.T.U.D. books written by F.W. Paul, who is really sci-fi author/ editor Paul W. Fairman. During the James Bond craze, there were zillions of knockoffs, and these books took the sex to the extreme and the comedy just about as far. Everything (including his agency Special Territories and Unique Developments) gets a clever anagram, like the Confidential Reports Analysis Panel (CRAP) that he reports to, or the film production company Trans-World Art Tapes (TWAT). Every scenario has tongue firmly planted in cheek, sometimes almost literally.

 

                The sex, which is most of the 189 pages, is a lot more explicit than I was expecting but with some of the terms used (a hard dick is a prong, fucking is yencing), it’s hard to get flustered in any way. There is bestiality, homosexuality, adultery, rape, misogyny, huge dicks, horny Amazons… hell, there’s pretty much anything you can think of in this book, and it’s played for laughs. Your mileage may vary.

 

                But when all is said and done, it does get a bit dull, knowing Steel will be fucking this one and that one, including his hot pilot Burma, who is doing a lot of fucking of her own. Look, I like humorous medium-core pornography as much as anyone, but it does get to be a bit too much. I kept thinking “Get to the zombie-fucking part!” And enough with the “she likes rape” shit.

 

                Despite the flaws, I will be seeking out one more Man from S.T.U.D. book, because there’s one called Orgy at Madame Dracula’s and I want to read it. Perhaps, I get a prong out of it, but I doubt it.

                    This review  originally appeared in Strange World #3 (Fall 2022)

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Ravenous By Ray Garton

 

Ravenous
By Ray Garton
2008 Leisure Books
Paperback, 342 pages

 

Another longer, newer horror novel! What has gotten into me? I discovered this title on somebody’s “nature-strikes-back” list. I looked it up and noticed that it didn’t exactly fit the bill; it is a werewolf novel. Still, it looked pretty good, so I found a copy and took a chance. And I’m extremely glad I did. This book is great.

 

The town of Big Rock has a bit of a problem. Unbelievably, there is a werewolf problem. A mysterious stranger seems to have all of the info, but the town sheriff doesn’t know what to believe. But there’s no other rational explanation for the bloody deaths and shape-shifting bodies he encounters. Pathologists and eye-witnesses say wolf… an upright wolf-like creature.

 

Unlike in the movies, lycanthropy is spread via sexual contact in Ravenous. Big Rock has no shortage of philandering husbands, rapists and horny housewives, so the disease is quick to take hold and threaten everyone in town. The characters are varied and believable, the story starts with a bang and never lets up and the blood flows freely. Garton reinvents the werewolf story and makes it all credible. I really can’t recommend this one enough.

 

Garton followed this up with a sequel, Bestial, the next year. In 2021, Ravenous was reissued by Gauntlet Press as a signed, limited edition, boutique release. I’m saving my pennies.

This review originally appeared in Midnight Magazine #9, March, 2022.

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Loch Ness Revenge By Hunter Shea

 

Loch Ness Revenge
By Hunter Shea
2016 Severed Press
Paperback, 141 pages
 

            I love Hunter Shea. I love cryptozoology, monsters, animals killing humans and gore. This is the medium in which Shea works and he excels at it. Of course, I just had to read what he does with ol’ Nessie!

In their childhood, twins Natalie and Austin saw their parents eaten by the Loch Ness Monster. Natalie had made it her life’s mission to find the monster and avenge her parents. Two decades after the incident, she is primed and ready and Austin joins her to mount a war against the lake creature.

This one isn’t as brutal and gory as some of Shea’s other books, but the action and emotions are always blazing like a flamethrower. The characters (the twins, Austin’s pal Heinrik, and monster-hunter/ videographer Rob) are all well thought out and loveable, surprising for such a short book. The banter between the twins is believable and funny. Once again, Shea gives us a strong and capable woman in Natalie, a welcome character who was all but absent in the 80s pulp novels he must love. The story is told in first person by Natalie.

I don’t ask for a lot in a book. Entertain me, thrill me, scare me or make me laugh. That’s what will make me feel like my time was well spent. Hunter Shae usually delivers all four. My time was well spent with Loch Ness Revenge.

This review originally appeared in Midnight Magazine #9, March, 2022.

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Flowers of Evil By Robert Charles

 

Flowers of Evil
By Robert Charles
1982, Bantam
Paperback, 200 pages

 

I love nature when it strikes back. Of course, animals killing humans is the best but let’s hear it for the flora that gets into the action as well! A lesser-known entry in the plant-panic pantheon is Flowers of Evil and it’s a worthwhile read.

Some odd little flowers are discovered near a nuclear fallout zone in Russia and one of the research team grabs a couple of the pretty blooms. She gives one to her seafaring brother before she realizes that they are nourished by blood and very capable of getting it. The plant’s seeds are eventually sent adrift, only to plant themselves on a remote island where a troubled family is stationed for the season. So, we get a bloodthirsty plant epidemic in two places simultaneously.

Robert Charles (aka Robert Charles Smith and Robert Leader) primarily writes thrillers, but he does a great job with this eco-horror entry. It’s not overly graphic but the story development and the characters keep the pages turning and the plants are formidable foes, growing larger with every drop of blood. One thing that really struck a chord with me, an amateur naturalist, was that the remote island was a resting spot for migratory birds, and the plants were decimating the populations as they landed, making the island a tangled, evil mess.

Not as grisly as many horror pulps from the same period, but this is a compelling and well written book that can still be grabbed on the cheap.

This review originally appeared in Midnight Magazine #9, March, 2022.

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Killer Crabs: the Return by Guy N. Smith

 

Killer Crabs: the Return

By Guy N. Smith

2012 Black Hill Books
Paperback, 149 pages

 

    Twenty something years after Guy N. Smith concluded his original Crabs sextet with Crabs: the Human Sacrifice (1988), the killer crustaceans are back, click-click-clickety-clicking their way back into our hearts and stomachs. El maestro Smith knew what his fans wanted and gave us more mayhem and it’s just what the doctor ordered. Released as an E-book as well as a paperback, it is a very slim volume that can (and should) be read in one sitting. At 149 pages of large, double-spaced print, and the usual crab craziness, the book just flies by.

 

    Brock Logan, the son of a crab victim, has been waiting decades for their reemergence to avenge his father’s death and to get a crab for his trophy room. But we don’t really care about Brock. Fans of Smith’s crab books can rest easy; the crabs mean business. “A crustacean banquet had begun.” This time it’s just one big one, a male who is raising and training his offspring, teaching them the joy of devouring human flesh. Parenting done right!

 

    No, this book doesn’t break any new ground; it is just a valentine from Smith to his crab-happy fans, of which I am a huge one. It wasn’t his last foray into crab calamity, thank goodness. Rest in peace, Guy, and thank you for giving us the crabs.

        This review originally appeared in Midnight Magazine #9, March, 2022.

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Galaxy 666 By Pel Torro

Galaxy 666
By Pel Torro
1968 Tower
Paperback, 138 pages

    It all started when my friend (and Midnight contributor) Kris Gilpin asked on his Facebook page: “Back in the 70s, a paperback original came out and it was infamous for about 10-15 years for being ‘the worst novel ever written!’” The title turned out to be Galaxy 666 and based on readers’ reviews and a few snippets of prose, I needed to experience it for myself. I landed one from Amazon for about $5.

    What is it all about? A group of four individuals, two scientists and two spacemen, who explore Galaxy 666, a place where all manner of weird shit happens. That’s it, really. They encounter odd lifeforms on the planet, along with all kinds of chaos and a broken spaceship.

     Is it really bad? Yes. Yes, it is, but not unenjoyable. One can picture the author (in reality, Lionel Fanthorpe, prolific hack/ pulp writer) charging to his typewriter with a bottle of booze in one hand and a thesaurus in the other, eager to vomit up space-age verbiage. Every noun in the book gets at least three adjectives, every point gets repeated ad nauseam, and the characters all wax poetic, even at the most inappropriate of times. “Pel Torro” was obviously padding the word count against a tight deadline, and the results are hilarious.

     While reading the book, I was comparing it to an Andy Milligan script, with unending passages of inane dialog, but without the bad acting to sell it. With a film, I can look over at my wife and we can shake our heads together. With the book, I would read her unbelievable passages and she’d tell me to shut up so she could enjoy her own, more respectable book. By the end, it became a chore to finish, even at 138 pages. Not that it wasn’t fun, but I had endured it long enough and was ready to just move the fuck on.

The first printing of Galaxy 666 was from Badger Books (SF-86) in 1963 with a Henry Fox cover.

This review originally appeared in Midnight Magazine #9, March, 2022.

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Doomflight By Guy N. Smith

Doomflight

By Guy N. Smith
1981 Hamlyn
Paperback, 221 pages

It is well known that I adore Guy N. Smith’s nature-strikes-back books, but when he digs deeper than crabs, ‘gators or bats and their destruction of the human race, it can be hit or miss for me. Doomflight is an ambitious piece of writing and it’s fairly good, but not entirely satisfying.

A huge, international airport is being constructed on the site of a previously failed aerodrome. That one had failed because of countless mishaps. Y’see, the land it’s built upon is the site of a Druid circle, the ritual stones buried deep under the cement of the runways. Naturally, all hell breaks loose, with Druids, sacrifices, ghostly, old-timey airmen and a massive loss of human lives. It’s huge, I tell ya.

Smith tells an intricate tale, and the story builds and builds to a fiery climax. It would make a hell of a movie. Sadly, I got a little impatient waiting to get to that climax. It might be that I had some kick-ass books in my “To Be Read” pile or it was a story that just wasn’t engaging me, but the last third became a bit of a slog. Eh, it happens. Maybe if he threw just one giant crab into the mix…

Still, it’s hard to not recommend any books by the master. Especially with Smith’s recent passing, we have to savor every word he has written. The Les Edwards cover here is worth the price of admission, too!

This review originally appeared in Midnight Magazine #9, March, 2022.

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